


Alone

by TJ_The_Broken



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: A LOT of Angst, AU, Angsty lance, Asexual Pidge | Katie Holt, Bisexual Lance (Voltron), Depression, Gay Keith (Voltron), Gender-Neutral Pronouns for Pidge | Katie Holt, Homophobia, Just angst, M/M, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, also practice self care, and also putting people in risky situations gets out my bad feelings, and my bad feelings include a lot of really triggering content, angsty everyone, angsty keith, because its my get out my bad feelings fic, breakdowns, honestly, ill be honest i dont know how to deal with triggers, just major trigger warning for this entire fic, klangst, more tags will be added, non-binary Pidge, or dont read, probably should ask my therapist about that, so either deal with it
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-24
Updated: 2020-03-28
Packaged: 2020-07-17 21:36:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 11,681
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19963594
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TJ_The_Broken/pseuds/TJ_The_Broken
Summary: Lance is alone.Keith is alone.They've both been alone for so long, do they really remember how to not be?Dunno if this will have a happy ending so buckle yourselves in for some sadness because I'm a sad bean and this helps.





	1. High School Musical

Keith sat beside the highway. The cars streamed past fast and loud. There and gone in an instant. Keith could feel the whip of the wind on his face as each drove past. His hair blew to one side, his fringe falling back in place each time. He was too close to the road, he knew that. His toes were inches away from where the road met the grass. There were bits of broken glass scattered around him, a tire to his right and a mattress that had clearly seen better days to his left. He was in the danger zone. Rocks, crashes, terribly secured furniture or camping equipment, anything could hit him. He knew that. He didn’t care. Maybe it was the rush of watching the fast cars that drew him there, maybe it was the numbness he felt when the wind got too much, maybe it was the noise that could almost drown out the thoughts, maybe it was the flashes of imagined injuries, maybe it was that if he was panicking about fast cars then he wasn’t panicking about everything else. Or maybe it was all of it. Keith’s therapist had suggested Keith try going to safer versions of this, like racetracks but the crowds got to Keith before he could even feel the rush of the cars. No, here where no one dared go was where he felt better. Well, not better. This made him crack plenty of times but it had become something of an escape for him. Keith didn’t see them coming, he rarely did. It wasn’t until it was in his face that he registered it was even happening. Red. Blue. Red. Blue. Red. Blue.

“Again, kid,” The officer said, not even bothering to get out of the car, just there with her window rolled down, arm out and a disapproving look.

“I’m a grown man you know,” Keith replied, not moving.

“Come on, buddy,” She said, “Let’s get you home, you know Shiro’s not going to like this.”

Ahh yes, Shiro. Shiro had discovered Keith when he was representing a mental health art camp thing at his school. He’d gotten all the kids to try out different creative outlets and noticed Keith refusing to participate. Shiro had decided that Middle School Keith was now his special project and spent the rest of the day trying to get him to try things. That’s when Keith had discovered he was a natural talent with dancing. But Keith hadn’t wanted to dance. Keith had wanted to leave the stupid school behind. So, he stole Shiro’s car. To the guy’s credit, he had never given up on Keith, taking him to every after-school program and even giving Keith a place to stay when he found out Teen Angst Keith was actually living alone. Alone. Shiro had tried to save Keith from that word then but it still haunted him. Alone. Keith lived in that place still. He’d tried living in other places before, plenty of shared living. They… hadn’t worked out. There were a few other people that lived there. A guy named Coran actually ran the place, he was alright. A little kooky, a lot moustache. His whole motivation for the place seemed to be his niece, Allura, who had been in a coma for a few years and now need 24/7 care. Or so he said. Allura seemed fine to Keith. There were three other people that lived there, apart from Shiro who was mostly a second in command to Coran. Pidge, who specialised in code. Hunk, who specialised in cooking. And Lance, who specialised in being a dick.

“Let’s not do this Keith,” The officer was out of the car now, “We both know you’d rather not get arrested again.”

Keith looked up at her, he wanted to be stubborn, he really did. But then she laid a caramel hand on his shoulder and something inside him cracked, “Yeah okay.” He let her help him up and he got in the back of the car.

The officer in the other side glanced back at him but Keith avoided his gaze. The guy had gone to school with him and he didn’t really want to interact with him. He had his life together. Keith didn’t. Clearly.

VVV

Keith recognised the house as soon as they rounded the corner. Mostly because of the giant statue Allura had made that stood as tall as the house in the front yard. _Voltron_ , that’s what they called it. The house of legends, Shiro had told him. In reality, it was a house of the broken. All of them were familiar with hospitals, psychs, breakdowns, and everything else that came with being fucked up. Allura and Shiro Keith could understand. Allura had missed so much when she was in the coma and she still wasn't used to how the world was now. And Shiro… Shiro was dying. He’d also lost his soulmate. They both had reasons to be depressed. But Keith? Sure, his mum had never been on the scene and his dad had died but that was years ago. Shiro had told him so many times that he could be a professional dancer if he wanted. But Keith couldn’t even hold a normal job and never danced. Keith had had so much help and what had he done with it? Pidge was a genius, they were mostly there because the world sucked about their gender but they still had so much going for them and they had a family. Hunk also had a family. A big one. The only thing that held Hunk back was anxiety. The guy was a pro with it though, honestly, he barely had huge attacks anymore. But he stayed. Keith suspected it was for Pidge and Lance. Ah, yes, Lance. Another with a huge family who were super supportive. Lance kept his mental junk mostly on the downlow. But Keith knew he suffered. He could tell by the bags under his eyes that Lance had tried so hard to conceal. Keith suspected OCD or ADHD or both. Probably added with depression.

The door opened and the female officer escorted Keith inside. At least he wasn’t in handcuffs this time. Pidge and Lance were having a heated debate in the lounge room, the room where the front door opened into. They both turned and looked over, mostly to see who it was and both expecting to go back to their argument. But they immediately stopped. Keith could hear Hunk in the kitchen and another voice, feminine, Allura. Keith refused to meet Pidge or Lance’s gaze.

“Veronica?” Lance said, “What are you doing here?” Keith always forgot they were siblings. Probably because he never saw them together.

“Hey bro,” She smiled, “Where’s either of the big bosses?”

Lance pointed to the second door, Coran’s office. AKA the room where they stored all the files. Pidge and Lance both watched as Veronica led Keith to the door and knocked. Keith could feel their gaze burning on his neck and he shove his hands in his pockets to stop them from forming into fists. Their silence was loud and judgemental. Keith hated it.

“Come in!” Crap. It was Shiro.

Veronica pushed open the door and smiled at him, “Hey Shiro, just dropping off a stray. Believe he’s yours.” Keith trudged in after her, head down.

Shiro sighed stood up from the desk, “Where was he this time?”

Veronica scoffed, “Where he always is, the strip next to the highway.”

Shiro looked at Keith intently but Keith refused to look up, his eyes boring into the desk leg. “Thanks, Veronica, I really appreciate this.”

“I’m always happy to help, big guy.” She clicked her tongue and smiled, “I will say though that this is off books, if _I’m_ not the one on patrol he will probably get arrested.”

“I know, thank you so much again. I think Hunk’s baking cookies. If he’s done, you’re welcome to have some, if not I’ll get Lance to give you extra next time he’s home.”

“Will do!” Veronica yelled as she left the room, closing the door behind her.

Keith made the mistake of looking up, Shiro’s eyes met his and held him there. Keith could see his disappointment but it wasn’t even like he’d done anything really bad. He didn’t put anyone’s life in danger, except his own, and he didn’t steal or do drugs.

“We’ve talked about this.”

“I know,” Keith felt the guilt set in his stomach.

“That isn’t somewhere you’re allowed to go, Keith. It’s not safe.”

“I know.”

“But you keep going back.”

“I know.”

“Why?”

Why. That word drove Keith insane. Everyone asked why. Keith didn’t know why. He didn’t know why his mother left. He didn’t know why his dad had to die. He didn’t know why he always reached a point at work and snapped. He didn’t know why the sound of an acoustic guitar made him want to scream. He didn’t know why he didn’t want to dance. He didn’t know why he couldn’t keep a therapist for more than three months. He didn’t know why he always went back to the strip on the side of the highway. “I don’t know.”

Shiro sighed, “Last time,” Keith felt everything rush out of him, “We agreed that if you went back we would put you on house ares-”

“No,” Keith said, “Please, Shiro, no.” There was a rushing, and Keith’s body felt like it was going to collapse. He was tenser than he had ever been.

“Keith, I wish I could just let you but we both know you have a history.”

They both know. No, Shiro knew, Keith had only heard. At eighteen years old, Keith had come out to a crush. The first person to make him feel completely okay since Keith was a child. The guy had reacted badly. Keith remembered the laughter fading as he realised it was true then the disgust and horror. And that was it. Keith didn’t remember anything after that. Apparently, his crush had punched him. Beat him up and sprayed slurs. Keith didn’t remember it but there was a constant reminder on the back of his hand. _Fag_ etched into his skin. Somehow, Keith had gotten to the side of a highway, apparently. And he had walked into the traffic, at night. Keith had been hit - how could he have not been? But the car had slowed enough for him to walk out of it with only a broken arm and bruised ribs. Keith didn’t remember any of it. The next thing he remembered was waking up in the hospital with Shiro beside him.

Keith looked down at his left hand, the scared word was covered by his fingerless gloves but it seemed to glow through them, labelling him forever, “Fine.” Keith spat, “Keep me here like a prisoner.”

“Keith,” Shiro said, ever the calm one, “You know it’s not like that. You’ll just have to sign in and out and tell us where you’re going. But if you lie,” Shiro gave him an intense look, “And you go back, we might have to go with more drastic measures.”

“Whatever,” Keith turned towards the door, pulled it open and let it slam behind him. He ignored the looks Pidge and Lance gave him and went up the stairs and into his room.


	2. High School Musical 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lance's point of view.  
> More sadness, duh.

Lance thought Keith was an asshole most of the time. Sure, the guy was dealing with some serious shit but he could at least try to be nicer. Pidge said they didn’t mind but the amount of times Keith had blown up at them for having a brother and parents who cared was insane. Keith blew up at them about coding as well. But to be fair, Keith blew up at everyone. Hunk got some for always being happy and for having a caring family and his baking (which Keith ate anyway!). Allura and Shiro seemed to be the only ones immune and Lance was yet to figure out why. But Keith _hated_ Lance. Keith hated Lance so much that he never stopped blowing up at him. Lance boiled it down to the fact that Keith _must_ have been jealous of his dancing. The two of them had been rivals in high school during the afterschool and summer programs. Lance had always been hot on Keith’s heels. And then the guy just… stopped. Clearly, Keith was just jealous that Lance had surpassed him.

“Oi!” Pidge said through a cookie, “You gonna choose a movie or what?”

Hunk and Allura had joined them and they were all busy choosing a movie to watch. It was Friday, not technically movie night but they usually watched movies anyway. It was like Pre-movie night movies. Movie night eve.

“I’m deciding,” Lance said slowly, “Geez, impatient much.”

“ _I’m_ impatient?” Pidge laughed, “You can talk.”

“I can, thank you very much,” Lance said smugly, flipping through the DvD book thing. Coran was old school, in fact the even had a few VHS tapes to choose from if they wanted. Lance finally stopped on one and smiled, “Who’s up for some High School Musical?!”

Pidge groaned loudly. Hunk whooped and Allura clapped, Pidge was outnumbered.

“No!” Pidge yelled, almost reading his mind, “We need the others to weigh in first!”

Lance beamed, “Of course. Coorrraaaan!” Lance sung out.

“Yes, Lance my boy,” Coran stuck his head out from the office where he and Shiro had been talking in since Keith had stormed off.

“You up for some High School Musical?”

Coran’s eyes shone, “I always am, my boy!”

“So that’s four against one. Even _if_ , and this is a big if, Shiro and Keith both said no, you would be outnumbered.”

Pidge sunk into their seat, “This is so unfair.”

“You were singing a very different tune when that crush of yours liked High School Musical,” Lance teased.

Pidge narrowed their eyes, “Ex-crush, you jerk.”

Lance laughed but got up to put the DvD in the player. Shiro and Coran emerged from the office, Coran getting comfortable on an armchair and digging into the cookies. Shiro, on the other hand went upstairs, telling them to start the movie without him. Lance imagined him trying to convince Keith to come down. It wouldn’t work, it never did. They heard raised voices and Troy and Gabriella began their duet. Lance picked up his phone, getting Pidge’s dm up.

Lancelot: Youd think he could at least keep it down for the song of the movie

Pidgeon: I think it improves it

Pidgeon: And this is so _not_ the song of the movie

Lancelot: What? It so is. Its where they fall for each other

Pidgeon: That doesnt make it the song of the movie dumbass

Lancelot: It so does

Pidgeon: I could name so many that are more iconic

Lancelot: Oh so you can name songs from this movie you hate huh??

Pidgeon: Shut up or I will make your life a living hell

Lancelot: So you still Ace?

Pidgeon: What kind of question is that?

Lance felt his chest squeeze. That was stupid. That was so so stupid. He didn’t know why he had asked it. He felt awful. He could see Pidge frowning, deliberately not looking at him as they watched the movie they hated. Lance quickly typed his reply.

Lancelot: A stupid one, clearly lol

Then he got up, “Nature’s calling,” He snapped and finger gunned his way out of the lounge and down the end of the hall. He could feel his breathing become uneven. He could feel the guilt overcoming him. He tried to tell himself it was fine, Pidge was fine and they were his friend. But honestly, were they? They were both here for a reason and they wouldn’t even be friends if they hadn’t have lived here. Lance was destructive, he knew that. He clambered up the stairs, not caring that everyone could probably hear him and that they all knew there was a bathroom downstairs. He just needed to get into his room and try to breathe. He was shaking when he got there and he shoved his headphones on, grapping his fidget toys. He played the music as loud as he dared and counted his posters as his hands worked on the toy. 1. 2. 3. Lance could feel himself calming down. 4. 5. 6. The tension was already leaving him. 7. 8. 9. His phone buzzed and Lance felt every muscle in his body immediately tense up again. It was Hunk.

Hunk-a-licous: You alright, buddy?

Lance didn’t reply because the idea of saying anything made him want to cry. He wouldn’t cry, he hadn’t cried in years, but he would want to. 1. 2. 3. Knock. Lance could here the muffled voice of Shiro through the headphones. He didn’t quite trust himself to say anything without his voice cracking but he took a breath and told him to come in anyway. Shiro closed the door behind him and sat on Lance’s bed. Lance tried not to look at how the sheets crinkled and instead mentally continued to count his posters. 1. 2. 3. 4. Shiro pointed to the headphones. He wanted Lance to take them off. Yeah, duh, of course. Lance took them off and the noise of the rest of the world filled the absence. He could hear the air. But beneath that he could hear the sound of walking, probably Keith, and the soft noise of High School Musical from downstairs. He couldn’t tell anything about where the movie was, just that the tv was on.

“What’s up, Lance?”

Lance shrugged, the familiar twists and turns of the fidget toy keeping him from exploding.

“Did something happen?”

“I just freaked out,” Lance whispered, “It’s nothing.” 1. 2. 3. 4. 5.

“Even if it is, do you want to talk about it?”

Lance didn’t say anything for a moment. A need was growing inside him and he hated it. He needed to finish counting. 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8.

“Lance?”

Lance dropped the toy as a rush filled his ears. He tried to remind himself it didn’t matter, counting wasn't necessary, just a way to make him feel calm. There was going to be twelve posters every time. Nothing had changed. He gripped the sheets, “I…” He took a few deep breaths. 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10.

“Lance, are you alright?”

“JUST LET ME COUNT!” Lance yelled, the rushing in his ears was suddenly gone. Everything was gone. Deadly quiet. The need to count vanished, like a cruel demon that was only there to taunt him and make him do things he didn’t want to.

Shiro look a little shocked but not angry, and not judgemental, “You can count if you want, Lance.”

Lance felt bad. He didn’t _want_ to anymore. It was gone. But he had already exploded about it, now he had to. He could feel how red his face must be as he looked up and counted, out loud, “One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,” Despite not feeling the need to count anymore, the act still calmed him, his muscles loosening, “ten, eleven, twelve.” Lance took a breath and looked back at Shiro, “Sorry.”

“Don’t apologise, it’s okay. Do you want me to book another appointment?”

Lance thought about it, he’d been having more intense… moments over the past few weeks. He probably needed a change in medication, “Yeah.”

“Done. Anything else?” Lance shook his head and Shiro smiled, “Okay, we’ll be downstairs if you want to come down, when you’re ready.”

Lance nodded and waited until Shiro left before lying back on the bed and letting the embarrassment subside.

VVV

Lance didn’t expect to see Keith when he went downstairs. And not Keith begrudgingly sitting on a chair in the corner like a middle-schooler at a dance either. Keith was sitting with Pidge and they were banting. To be fair, Keith was not smiling, but he was still not completely an angry depressed loner. A few of them looked up and gave Lance a small smile before he sat down. They were up to the sabotage. The scene had always made Lance so sad as a child. They were destined together, why did their friends have to be assholes? Lance had decided right then that he would never let his friends get in his way. To be fair, Lance was never the best at making friends. He always came off too strong, too energetic. Lance spent most of elementary school behind the playground making little houses out of leaves and sticks. There were bullies, sure, and one douchebag kept on Lance’s back all the way through high school but Lance was pretty lucky. He preferred being alone most of the time anyway. Lance immediately felt bad for thinking that. He was there with people who cared about him, Hunk and Pidge were fun to be with, Shiro was like a dad to all of them, Allura was a gem to be around, and Coran was hilarious. Then he had his entire family who was so supportive. He had awesome people. And yet he still felt alone. He felt like he was just floating out in space. Alone.

“Wait… Why is there a giant poster of Zac Efron in the school?” Keith was frowning at the screen.

Lance frowned, “Wait, mullet hasn’t seen High School Musical?”

Keith rolled his eyes, “It was a stupid Disney channel movie, why would I have watched it?”

“Exactly!” Pidge said, “That’s what I said before I was first forced to watch it.”

Lance threw his hands up, “You’re both so uncultured!”

Allura laughed, “The poster is a little stupid.” Both her and Coran had accents that sometimes made everything sound funnier. This was one of those moments. It was Pidge first, then Hunk. Lance and the others came soon after, even Keith was laughing.

The rest of High School Musical went by with more banter, laughing, and bad singing from the audience. Him and Allura had a great duet at the end while Pidge tried to drown them out with their own terrible singing.


	3. Eighteen Candles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We back people!  
> Keith's turn again.  
> Still angsty

Keith didn’t regret listening to Shiro. In fact, he had enjoyed being around people. Not that he would ever admit that to Shiro. But the problem now resided in if he could really keep it up. Shiro had said that if Keith could be around for more household activities then Shiro would let him leave without having to explain where he was going. Keith had never enjoyed being around people and he was certain if he continued to force himself to do this, he could snap. So, the decision was: go downstairs and join them for dinner and movie night or do what he always did; sit in his room and watch anime until he felt so numb he could sleep.

There was a knock on his door. Keith expected Shiro to walk in but Pidge was the one who sat on his desk chair, spinning with the momentum and stopping to face him.

“Hiya,” They smiled.

Keith looked at them, “Hi?” The others never came in his room.

Pidge looked around the room, “You remember when Shiro and Matt used to always be round mine and Shiro was like dragging you everywhere with him?”

Keith blinked, confused still, “Yeah…”

“Yeah, well, we used to sit with each other in that lounge room while those nerds did their thing. Just two shy kids who didn’t know how to interact. Do you remember that day when my laptop shat itself? We’d never actually hung out, we would just do our own things and barely say anything. But that day, as I was spiralling into a panic attack because I felt like my world was imploding, you spoke to me. You put the laptop aside and taught me how to do the Nutbush. If it had been anyone else at any other time I would have refused and thought it was weird. But it completely calmed me down, and I was laughing so much.”

Keith remembered. They were quite young and Keith knew exactly what Pidge was going through as they screamed, ‘No! No, no, no, no, no! This can’t be happening!’ They had began breathing fast and Keith didn’t know what else to do. Shiro had told him once that distracting himself can stop a panic attack. So, Keith got up and taught Pidge one of the easiest but unusual dances he knew. Pidge had slowly not only calmed down but began laughing. Keith had been laughing too. Shiro and Matt had heard them and watched from the hallway. Later, Shiro had said the equivalent of ‘I told you so’. He _could_ dance and he enjoyed it. “Yeah, what’s your point?”

“My point is, you showed me that it was okay to get help. You’re probably one of the reasons I even ended up here. And I think I can help you.”

Keith sat up, “Pidge…”

“No,” Pidge adjusted their glasses, “You don’t get to decide you don’t want this. You need it.”

Keith brushed his hands through his hair, “What did you have in mind?”

“First things first,” Pidge stood up, “You’re helping Hunk make the popcorn. And then you’re watching Sixteen Candles with us, I know it’s cringy and stupid but it was Lance’s picks this week and the only one even good was 17 Again but Lance, Coran, and… get this, Shiro voted for Sixteen Candles. Hunk and Allura both voted for the cringe-fest that is Teen Beach Movie. So, we have to deal. Don’t worry, it’s my pick next week.”

“What about after tonight?”

Pidge smirked, looking like a gremlin standing in his room, “You’ll see, Mr City Limits.”

Keith, despite himself, chuckled, “Okay, if you insist.”

VVV

Hunk was making an array of popcorn with different tastes. There was sweet and salty, caramel, coloured sugar coated, cinnamon spice, paprika and chilli flakes, butter, just salt, and plain. Keith didn’t quite know what to do but he let Hunk direct him around the kitchen. Keith mostly felt in the way and he burnt himself on the frying pan as he tried to pop the kernels more times than he wanted to admit.

“Keith, buddy,” Hunk smiled, “Could you move to the shaking station and do the cinnamon spice one? Just toss the mixture into the bowl, put the lid on and shake it up. Easy.”

Keith gladly moved away from the fire; he was afraid he’d ruined it already. Hunk was right, the shaking was easy. He could lose himself in it though, in the bad way. He felt himself slip into his mind, the world and the distractions disappearing. His thoughts erupted around him and consumed him.

“Keith?” Allura asked, her dark hand on his shoulder.

Keith jumped, almost dropping the bowl of popcorn.

Allura’s eyes looked worried, “You’ve been shaking that for a while, are you sure you’re alright?”

Keith placed the bowl down, “Yeah,” He said tensely, not actually recalling telling her he was alright.

Allura smiled a little, “How about you go sit with the others in the lounge room? I’ll tell Pidge you helped enough,” She winked.

Keith tried to smile back but he felt like it fell short. As soon as he entered the lounge room Keith could hear Lance, who was showing off. Keith rolled his eyes.

“So, here I was, making coffee for this idiot and he starts demanding I make it faster because he has to be somewhere. He’s already ordered the most ridiculously complicated order in existence and now he wants me to _rush_ it?”

Coran was enthralled, “Lance, my boy, did this really happen?”

“Oh did it, Coran, oh did it. There was already a line forming and my co-worker is looking at me for help but when I try the guy starts yelling that he will call the manager and get me fired and like I just kept apologising and until I had finally made his order and he left.”

Keith shook his head, “You’re so full of it.”

Lance looked up at him, just noticing he’s there, “You think I’m lying, Mullet?”

Pidge kicked Lance’s leg and gave him a look.

Keith shrugged and moved to sit with Pidge like yesterday, “You haven’t given me any reason to believe otherwise.”

Lance opened his mouth to retort but was interrupted by Shiro clearing his throat, “So, who’s excited for the movie?”

Pidge groaned, “How can anyone get excited about this? It’s romantic garbage.”

Lance gasped loudly, “How _dare_ you? This is a cinematic masterpiece.”

Pidge laughed, “Have you actually seen it? It’s definitely _not_.”

“You just have no taste.”

“I do believe Lance has a point, Pidge, the movie is very iconic.”

“Coran, can you honestly claim it’s better than, say, the anime masterpiece Your Name?”

Coran’s face fell, “Well, now, that’s not very fair.”

“Why not?” Pidge sat forward, “They’re both romance stories.”

“Yes, but one is animated-”

“Why does that change things? Are animated movies necessarily better than live action?”

“No…”

“Exactly,” Pidge sat back triumphantly.

Lance crossed his arms and pouted, “Stop ruining my movies.”

“Then choose good ones,” Keith muttered.

Lance’s pout turned into a glare as soon as his eyes shifted to Keith’s, “I’d like to see you pick better.”

Keith scoffed, “Anything is better than Eighteen Candles.”

“It’s _Sixteen_ ,” Lance said, “ _Sixteen_ Candles.”

Keith rolled his eyes, “Whatever, it’s a stupid title anyway.”

Lance’s nostrils flared but he kept his mouth firmly shut.

VVV

Hunk was soon done and everyone enjoyed snacking on the popcorn as Lance started the movie. Keith found himself tuning it all out more often than he wanted to. The movie not only didn’t keep his attention because it was stupid but because it was slow. Keith needed a movie that kept him from thinking about other things, and something he enjoys. Pidge was on their phone and as much as Keith tried not to pry, he found himself reading the messages over their shoulder. It was their brother. Pidge was complaining to him about the movie and he was talking to them about the improvements their family was making with pronouns. His chest ached with the longing of having his own family.

“Ugh, I just love Jake,” Lance mused.

Keith looked back at the movie, the female lead, Sarah or something, was completely pining for this older guy. Keith didn’t get it. Why did she care about him so much? There were other boys. Although, Keith thought the movie’s sympathetic boy character was a complete disgusting asshole. He needed to chill. “The tall one’s Jake, right?” He asked.

Lance looked at him, “ _How do you not knoooow_?”

Keith shrugged, “The movie’s boring, I can’t pay attention.”

“How _dare_ you?! This is the opposite of boring.”

“Keith’s right,” Pidge said, pushing their glasses up, “It’s boring.”

“Shush,” Hunk said, “Let’s just enjoy the movie.”

Pidge rolled their eyes and went back to their phone. Suddenly, Keith felt angry. Pidge had been the one making him do this. And they didn’t even like it? That’s not fair. He wanted to leave. He wanted to be in his room doing his own thing. But no. He was here, zoning out a boring movie and having no distraction because he didn’t have anyone to talk to on his phone like them. He didn’t have anything. Keith balled his hands and tried to keep a calm neutral face. This wasn’t fair. None of this was fair. Life wasn’t fair. It all sucked. It was all terrible. So terrible. Keith didn’t know when they even put their hand on his arm but suddenly Pidge was pulling him off the couch and up the stairs, into their bedroom. It was pretty much what Keith expected from Pidge. Posters of various nerdy things on the walls, robotics projects everywhere and various electronics everywhere, and a bookshelf filled to the brim.

“Why are we here?”

Pidge looked at him, concerned, “You tensed up, I could feel it, I could see it in your eyes. What happened? Are you okay?”

Keith wanted to say yes but instead he sat on their bed and covered his face. The anger was gone. Completely, “I don’t know.”

Pidge sat down too, “It’s okay if you ever need a break to go to your room for a bit. You don’t have to be out there the entire time.”

Keith breathed deeply.

“And I promise, it’ll be all worth it when it’s your turn.”

That’s when something finally occurred to him, “Wait, what did you do in the past when it was my turn?”

“It always changed. We’ve asked Matt a few times. Once we all picked four, then drew four from a hat and voted. Another we tried a random number generator. There’s been lots of different things.”

“Wouldn’t people just vote for their own ones?”

Pidge laughed, “Yeah, we’ve had ties before. We try to watch all the ones that tie for first but sometimes it comes down to randomly picking one of them.”


	4. Drugs, sex, and alcohol. Without the sex. And swap the alcohol for a mocha.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lance goes to work.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Massive tws for homophobia this chapter. But like. That's the theme of most of this. Because I'm queer and I get out my fear by putting characters through it and having them work through the trauma and ending up happy.  
> Also tw for drugs. And abandonment. And descriptions of anxiety. And swearing.

Lance ate his breakfast in the kitchen as usual before work. His day was a busy one. First coffee shop then watching the Benson’s kids and lastly, dance practice. That would make the day worth it. Feeling the music in his limbs as he danced in his own private room.

Keith trudged into the kitchen, he was in his pyjamas but was still wearing those takky fingerless gloves.

“Do you wear those to bed or something?” Lance pushed his cereal around in the bowl.

Keith looked at him, clearly confused, “What?”

Lance motioned to Keith’s hands, “The gloves.”

“Oh,” Keith covered one of his hands but didn’t answer.

“Oookay,” Lance stood up and tipped the rest of his cereal down the sink, “I’m gonna go and you can keep being mysterious and weird in here.”

Keith glared at him, “Jerk.”

Lance frowned at him, “Why do I even bother talking to you?” He didn’t wait for an answer and just left the house.

He put on his headphones as he walked, playing his favourite songs to calm down the tension he felt. He was always tense thanks to his anxiety but the interaction with Keith, despite Keith not blowing up at him for once, had left him more tense than usual. He fiddled with his hands and jeans, wondering why he didn’t just bring a toy with him. Noticing that the music wasn’t doing the trick, he focused on relaxing his muscles and breathing. A calmness washed over him and he smiled in relief.

“Oi!”

He instantly tensed up again, heart racing and sounds far too loud.

“Gay boy!” It was a guy in a car, driving slowly alongside him on the road.

Lance didn’t know what to do. He hadn’t told anyone yet, he didn’t own a single pride thing, how did this guy know?

“You want the good stuff?” He held up a bag of something, probably drugs.

Lance looked firmly forward and just kept walking.

“Hey faggot, I’m talking to you!”

_Just keep walking. He’ll leave you alone. Surely, he’ll leave you alone._

He drove forward in a burst of speed and Lance briefly relaxed before the guy stopped and got out. Lance froze. His throat clenched and his breathing stopped, heart beating so loud he couldn’t hear his music anymore. He wanted to run but he felt rooted in place and surely the guy would just chase him. And then the guy was almost on top of him. When had that happened? He was a good five metres away a second ago and Lance hadn’t looked away.

“You think you’re a little punk? I asked you a question, gaylord, want to answer it?”

“My sister’s a cop!” Lance blurted out.

The guy stepped back and laughed, it sounded too high-pitched compared to his voice, “That doesn’t stop you from buying, fag.” He tossed a bag with four pills in it at Lance’s feet, “Consider this a trial, a generous gift for you, the brother of a cop. Hand it in to your sister for all I care, or take some and live a little. If you want more, call the dry-cleaning place and ask for Piranha.” And then he was back in his car and gone.

Lance looked at the bag. As if he was going to do drugs, that would be extremely stupid. He was responsible. He was getting better mentally and had stopped partaking in risky behaviours. His sister was a freaking cop. But something in his gut told him to take it. “If I leave it here,” He told himself, “Someone who would actually take them might pick them up.” Lance tucked them in his bag and kept walking. He’d probably be late for work now and his boss would yell at him again.

VVV

Lance worked quickly as he made drink after drink. It was busy today for whatever reason but the customers had been reasonable and he was yet to burn himself which was a win. His mind kept darting back to that morning but he tried to stay focused. He had babysitting after this and then he’d be working for his dance partner for the showcase coming up. They were a few weeks into practice and he was really finding a rhythm with it.

“Caramel Frappe!” His co-worker yelled out to him.

He quickly began putting it together.

“Mocha!”

He began that one too, switching between the two.

“Aaron! Caramel Frappe!” A single teen took the drink and nodded at him before leaving. Lance was thrown back to highschool.

He would go to his local coffee shop and order a thickshake every Friday after school. While everyone else was out with their friends, Lance was sipping a thickshake and walking to the empty music hall where he’d play music and dance his heart out. As Lance had handed the teen his drink, he’d vividly seen the one day there were other kids in that coffee shop. When he took his thickshake and turned to leave that day a kid from school pushed him from behind. He fell to the ground and got covered in sticky chocolate and icecream mixed with milk. He was humiliated.

“Lance!” His co-worker handed him the now finished mocha, “Keep moving.”

“Abigail! Mocha!”

The day dragged on, Lance’s anxiety constantly on edge. He finished his shift late because of a rush right before he was meant to leave and immediately started making his way to the Benson’s house. There were two kids he babysat regularly there. They hired three different people to look after their kids, all who had at least one other job. They were on the rich end of the neighbourhood and there was no way he was really going to get there on time. He tapped his hand on his leg as he walked. He half expected to see Piranha again pulling up beside him. But he didn’t show up. Lance walked up the stairs to the front door and knocked.

The babysitter before him, Sophie, answered and sighed with relief, “Oh thank god. I’ve got work in fifteen, I was worried I’d have to leave them here by themselves until you showed up.”

“Sorry Sophie,” Lance stepped inside, “Anything I should know?”

“Anne and Meri are both fighting at the moment. Steven is having a rough time at school. Kayla will try to convince you she’s allowed cake. Upstairs is off limits because Mr and Mrs Benson have it set up for a party tonight.” She picked up her bag and started down the steps, “Good luck! See you next time, Lance!”

Lance waved her goodbye and shut the door, putting his bag down beside it.

“Laaaance!” Meri ran up to him and hugged him.

“Hey sweetheart,” Lance placed a hand on her back. She was an excitable redhead around ten years old and she loved Lance.

“Lance!” Anne also ran up to him. She was eight and had a creamy chocolate hair colour that she never brushed and wore with as many hairclips as her mum let her. Her front teeth were both still coming back in. One significantly further along than the other.

“Anne, how’re you doing, gorgeous?”

Meri let go and stuck her tongue out at Anne.

“Meri’s a bumfart but _I_ don’t care. _I’m_ doing wonder-magnificent.”

“I am _not_ a bumfart, _you’re_ a bumfart!”

“Nah ah!”

“Yeah hah!”

“Ladies, ladies, calm down. Where’s your sister?”

“Kay’s with Steven in the media room.” Meri smiled, one of her teeth was still coming in.

Lance ruffled Anne’s hair as he walked past. Steven had his headphones in on the family computer as he shot at bad guys. Kayla was on the floor, her red hair spread out like a halo in an old painting. When she saw Lance enter, she sat up, smiling wide.

“Hey, Kay-kay, how’s school been?”

Kayla was thirteen and an absolute drama queen. Lance had encouraged her to start acting and she loved it, “Lance! You would absolutely _never_ believe it. Mia and Derek started _dating_. Even though Morgan told Hendrik who told Evelyn who told me that Derek’s gay!”

Lance nodded, “Wow, tea.” He looked at Steven and back at her, “How long has he been on that?”

“Since he got home.” Kayla stood up, “Lance, can I have some cake? Mum said it was okay, I promise.”

Lance laughed, “Nice try, beautiful, no. Can you go make sure your sisters aren’t tearing each other apart while I talk to him?”

Kayla pouted but left the room.

Lance got up slowly and moved to the wall so Steven could see him before he tapped him on the shoulder. He looked up and Lance could tell he had been crying. Lance tapped his own ear. Steven paused his game and took off his headphones.

“Hey Lance,” Steven said. Steven was the eldest at seventeen and he struggled with a lot. He had a different dad to the others which left him with darker skin and very curly hair, distinctly different to his sisters whose curl level peaked with Meri’s.

“Hey buddy, how’s it going?”

He shrugged, “I dunno. Rough.”

“You wanna talk about it?”

He bit looked at his game as he thought about it, “I,,, just everyone keeps leaving me.”

Lance nodded, “It’s gonna be okay, kid,” Lance gestured at the array of consoles hooked up to the tv, “Do you want to play something with me to take your mind off it.”

He smiled and nodded gratefully. As they played Mario Kart Steven told Lance about how his dad had decided to move to Berlin, leaving him and his half-sister behind. He talked about how his half-sister was three hours away at a boarding school and would move even farther away to live with her mother. He talked about how he was struggling in school and how his friends had started ignoring him and –

“Ow!” Anne’s voice came from the hall.

Lance paused it and got up, rushing out there.

Anne and Meri where on the floor wrestling, Meri pulling on Anne’s hair and shoving her face into the front door.

“Girls!” Lance tried to get between them, lifting them from the ground. But they fought more, screaming at each other and pushing each other against the walls. They knocked over a plant and fell on Lance’s bag. “Meri! Anne!” Lance continued to try and get between the two but they were small and there was barely any gap. Steven had come out of the room to see what the fuss was.

Kayla ran out of her room and started playing a high-pitched loud noise.

“Ah!” Meri and Anne covered their ears.

Lance took the chance to separate them and stand between them, “Thank you Kayla.”

Kayla turned it off, satisfied.

“Now, girls, what the heck was that about?”

“Meri took my doll!” Anne screeched, tears running down her face.

“Lair! Anne bit me! See!” Meri showed Lance the bite mark on her arm.

“Only because you took my DOLL!”

“Lance,,,” Steven said.

“Anne, we don’t bite to retaliate, you know that. And Meri, you shouldn’t have attacked Anne.”

“Lance,,,”

“Repeat after me, girls. Two wrongs don’t make a right.”

The girls looked down guiltily and repeated the phrase.

“Lance,,,”

“Now I want you both to say sorry and hug it out and then play nicely. Meri, if you did steal Anne’s doll, you have to give it back okay?”

“Lance,,,”

“What’s that?” Kayla pointed to Lance’s bag.

Lance looked from Kayla’s curious eyes to Steven’s clearly anxious face and then his bag. He must’ve forgotten to close his bag all the way after work and the small Ziploc of pills had slid out when the girls had fallen on his bag. Lance quickly picked them up. The kids were all looking at him expectedly and he felt panic take hold in his entire body. He felt like everything was shutting down and waking up at the same time.

“It’s just medication,” Steven said, “All of you go into the lounge room and play nice like Lance said.”

They hesitated but listened to their brother.

“Lance,” Steven stepped forward.

Lance shoved the pills back in his bag, “What?” Lance snapped. He could feel his walls going up.

Steven backed away, “I,,, nothing.” He turned to go back to the media room.

“Wait!” Lance reached for him but didn’t touch him.

He turned back.

“Don’t tell your parents, please.”

Steven nodded then hesitated, “Only if I can tell you something and you won’t tell anyone.”

Lance nodded, “Of course.”

Steven motioned for Lance to follow him to his bedroom and Lance did. Steven sat on his bed in the where it met the corner of his room and he pulled his knees to his chest. Once Lance shut the door he took a deep breath and, not looking at him, whispered, “The guys at school aren’t excluding me for no reason.” Steven took another breath and when he spoke again his voice was strained, “They’re doing it because they saw some things.” A tear slid down his face and he took a shaking breath, “Ben saw something last week and he couldn’t even look at me but everyone was still there for me until they all saw my notebook.” He sobbed, “I’m,,,, I’m gay Lance. And I _hate_ it. I hate it so much. So so much. I wish I wasn’t but it doesn’t go away.”

Lance wanted to cry too. He wanted to wrap the boy up in his arms and tell him it was okay. He was bi, he understood. But he didn’t do that. He felt like he couldn’t, “Steven,,, I,,,”

“You don’t have to say anything,” He looked away, “I just needed to tell someone who wouldn’t tell my parents.”

But Lance knew that wasn’t true. He felt abandoned by everyone else in his life, Lance couldn’t let him think he might abandon him too. “I’m bi. But you can’t tell your parents that either because nobody knows.”


	5. If Keith's emotions were levels of fire, he'd be bakugou

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Keith isn't having a good time and he takes it out on himself and Lance.

Keith punched the bricks of the house. He had taken the gloves off and the word scarred to the back of his hand glared at him. He felt such a deep anger. Stupid fucking Lance who had his stupid fucking life together. He didn’t understand. How could he? He was the biggest womaniser of them all. Coran’s golden boy who gets praised for how much he’s motherfucking doing. Shiro never stops talking about how _Lance dances every other afternoon_ and _Lance has a job_ and _Maybe you should try dancing at the studio he goes to._ Keith fucking hated it. So what? He didn’t have his life together? What was the point of getting his life together if he’d be even more miserable and exhausted? Keith punched the wall again, his knuckles already red and achy. He wanted to go to the highway so badly. His entire body craved the rush and the solitude and the noise of the cars. He wanted to stand inches from the road and just not exist for a moment. He punched the wall again. And again. And again.

“Keith!” Shiro wrapped his arms around him, pinning his arms to his chest. The way he’d said his name sounded like he’d said it multiple times before, Keith just hadn’t heard him at all.

Keith struggled against him for a bit before giving in and relaxing against Shiro.

“What happened?”

Keith had his eyes closed as he breathed heavily and shook his head.

“You can’t keep doing these things to yourself,” Shiro let Keith go and led him into the kitchen.

Hunk was there as usual, cooking up some pasta for lunch.

Shiro took out the first aid kid.

“Why can’t we use the bathroom one?” Keith hid his stinging knuckles in his pocket.

“Pidge is using it,” Shiro said softly, motioning for Keith to give him his hands.

Keith glanced at Hunk and then back at Shiro, who sighed and picked up the first aid kit.

“Let’s go to your room.”

Keith followed Shiro up the stairs. The bathroom door was ajar there was the soft voice of Allura coming from inside.

“It’s okay, Pidge. It happens and you’re going to be okay.”

Shiro led the way into Keith’s room and got Keith to sit on the bed while he cleaned his now bleeding knuckles and wrapped them up. Keith looked away, the word on the back of his hand as painful as always.

“Keith,” Shiro’s voice was so calming, “I know you’re struggling and you want to just keep struggling but if you’d just see another therapist, maybe they could help.”

“No.”

“At least, dance again. You know how much it helps.”

“I haven’t danced in years, I’m out of practice.”

“So practice.”

“No.”

“It comes so naturally to you and you’ve told me how whole it makes you feel, why not just try it again?”

Keith remembered it. When he was getting better. He’d been around Shiro for about a year and he taught himself dances in his spare time. He’d been a dancer in school and had been good at it but the competitiveness and the students all made him want to scream. But alone with music and all the time in the world, it felt _good_. He was still angry and depressed and alone but dance made all that melt away. For months he practiced and got better and better, he was a natural at it and Shiro found out. He got so excited that Keith was dancing again and Keith let his excitement rub off on him. He was feeling happier and more confident because he had those brief moments every day where he’d feel entirely at peace. Eventually, Shiro convinced him to join dance classes. That’s where Keith had met _him_. For whatever reason, he made Keith feel normal, something he couldn’t ever remember feeling. Every moment he was with him, Keith felt okay. Even more so than dance. He was the light in his life and when they danced together Keith felt like everything was perfectly in place. But then. Laughter. Disgust. Fists. And a word cut into skin.

“No.”

“Keith,,,”

“No!” Keith snapped.

Shiro didn’t say anything more, he just looked down and finished wrapping. When he was done, he enveloped Keith in a hug, “You need to realise that there’s more to you than this pain. I can see it, Pidge can see it. Why can’t you?” He didn’t wait for an answer as he left the room and knocked on Pidge’s door.

Keith’s heart broke. He could feel it. It ached for the pain he was putting Shiro through. And Pidge. He closed the door and put on his headphones, blasting music to drown out his thoughts. _There’s more to you than this pain_. Keith covered his mouth as he sobbed. _I can see it. Why can’t you?_ He didn’t know. He never knew.

VVV

Keith didn’t know when he had fallen asleep but he woke up to Hunk knocking on his door.

“Dinner’s ready, bro, if you want to come down. You really should eat something, at least. Even if you come down later when we’re all gone. I didn’t see you eat breakfast and you haven’t eaten lunch.”

Keith considered staying up and just not eating at all but something told him he should try to go down and be social.

Dinner was baked potatoes and curry with rice and Keith had to admit that it looked delicious. Everyone was there except Lance and Coran when Keith sat down.

“Where’s Eighteen candles?”

“Lance sometimes gets in a little late when he stays at dance practice too long.” Hunk said from the kitchen as he put some finishing touches on the dessert.

 _Dance_. “Oh.”

“He’ll be here soon,” Allura said, smiling.

How the hell did she manage to be so cheerful all the time? Coran waltzed in, absolutely beaming, answering Keith’s question. She got it from her uncle.

“I have good news!” Coran announced, “The spare room in the attic is going to be turned into a double room! Which means two of you will get to be roommates and we’ll have two empty rooms to bring new people in.”

New people. Keith didn’t even get along with the people already there.

“That’s awesome, Coran!” Allura clapped her hands together, “I know I’d be happy to room if someone wanted to.”

Pidge got up from the table suddenly and Keith saw their forearms were wrapped in bandages, “Bathroom, be right back.”

“We’ll figure out who’s rooming where later. Who knows, it might end up being me and Shiro.” Coran sat down at the head of the table.

Keith doubted it, Coran’s room was connected to his office and Shiro’s wall had been painted by some kid who used to go here who,,, died.

Hunk slipped the dessert into the fridge and joined them at the table, “We’ll wait for Pidge in case Lance also gets home by then.”

“Sounds good,” Shiro smiled, “How’s everyone’s day been so far?”

“Well,” Allura smiled, “I signed up for an online art class today.”

“That’s cool,” Hunk said, “I recently started looking to see if I could start doing cooking in school again.”

“That’d be really good for you,” Allura nodded, “I’m looking forward to seeing how this pans out.”

Keith zoned out as the others all talked about Allura’s art and Hunk’s cooking. His brain didn’t even go anywhere, just static. And then the door slammed.

“Sorry I’m late, Coran, can I speak to you?” Lance was stimming with a rubber band faster and faster.

“Of course, my boy,” Coran got up and followed Lance into his office.

“I wonder what that’s about,” Pidge mused.

Keith blinked at them, when had they come back?

Hunk handed Keith the salad bowl. Keith took it and awkwardly put some green things with dressings on his plate before handing it to Pidge.

“Lance probably had a hard day,” Hunk handed Keith a bowl of rice, “He had a lot on today.”

“He works too hard,” Pidge took the bowl from Keith as he finished.

“You’re right,” Shiro put a baked potato on his plate, “But he knows when to stop if it gets too much for him.”

“Does he?” Hunk whispered, handing Keith the curry.

Coran and Lance returned to the table and each started putting things on their plates.

Keith put a potato on his plate and began to eat.

“How’s your day been Lance?” Allura said politely.

Lance looked up at her and hesitated, “Not bad, I guess. Work was busy, the Benson kids are having some issues but dancing was wonderful. Phillip is doing really well with the corrections I made with the routine.”

Keith wanted Lance to shut up. Hearing about dance made him feel guilty and panicked and weird. But he held it in because he knew Shiro would hate it if he blew up.

“The song is such a good one, I’m really loving it, honestly. And while it’s tough work, he’s got,,,”

Keith’s hearing checked out as his panic peaked. He could see his old studio and his reflection dancing in the wall of mirrors. He used to wear tanks, that was before his shoulders were covered in scars. He twisted and turned and _danced_. And he danced with,,, Laughter. Disgust. Punch. Words cut in skin. Keith tried to ground himself. He had forgotten to earlier but he could do it now. He breathed and brought himself back.

“Though, Phillip keeps joking that I’ll hurt myself doing the lift because he’ll drop me but I trust him.”

And then Keith cracked. “Shut up!” He yelled, “Would you just fucking shut up about fucking dance?!”

Suddenly, everything was quiet and everyone was staring at him.

“Are you fucking insane?” Lance fired back, “I’m just talking!”

Keith stood up from the table violently, knocking his fork to the floor and he stared at Lance for a second, “Whatever.” He turned to walk away.

Lance looked like he wanted to murder Keith, “No, not whatever!” Lance stood up too and Keith turned back to him, “You’re a fucking maniac. You’re always getting upset at me over _nothing_!”

“Because you’re –“

“I’m what?!” Lance threw his hands in the air, “Because I certainly have done nothing to you.”

“You’ve got to be kidding me.”

“What? What is it, _Mullet_?!”

“You’re so fucking annoying!”

“Oh! I’m annoying. Boo hoo. Why don’t you take a look in the mirror?! You have no friends. No life. No happiness. Even your parents fucking left you!”

There was a silent beat as his words sank in. Keith’s entire body was shaking with adrenaline and his ears were rushing. Then everything happened at once. Keith launched himself at Lance, his bandaged hand connecting with Lance’s cheek. Everyone at the table stood up, many screaming at them both. A cup fell off the table and smashed. Lance retaliated, digging his elbow into Keith’s ribs. Then they were wrestling, a tangle of limbs as they both tried to simultaneously fight the other and push the other away. Keith felt his fists and elbows connect in places and he definitely felt Lance’s connect to him. Lance got him badly on his nose and his sides. They rolled into the broken glass and Keith felt some shards dig into his skin, a cut above his eyebrow as Lance shoved his face into the ground. Shiro finally managed pulled Keith away from Lance. Glass tinkled as it fell from where it stuck to his clothes and he struggled against him, yelling. Shiro turned him around and gripped his shoulders firmly as he looked at him from under his disappointed frown. Keith slowly calmed down and Shiro loosened his grip. Keith pulled away from him and stormed to his bedroom, breathing heavily and the tears finally falling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have no idea where I'm going with this or how my pacing is looking so far. I'm gonna assume it's shot because I'm out of practice with that kind of stuff and also because this is my 'I'm gonna explore all of my mental health issues here because I don't have outbursts or actually talk about them' fic. Pls talk to people or get an outlet like this if you're feeling not great. No outlet = bad things.  
> Hope you're all doing better than I am. Peace out =)


	6. Bonding over bandages

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They have a bonding moment. Because keep in mind that this will end up being a romance fic.

Lance hesitated before walking inside the house, he didn’t know if he wanted to tell Coran about Steven or not. He stimmed obsessively with a rubberband Phillip had given him. But maybe Coran could help the kid. He’d talked to Steven about the shame and all his feelings and promised him that he wasn’t alone and that he’d always be there if he needed to talk.

“Sorry I’m late. Coran, can I talk to you?” Lance took his bag off and left it by the door.

“Of course, my boy,” Coran got up from the table where everyone was looking at him.

Lance walked into Coran’s office and waited until the door was closed to start talking, “The eldest of the kids I babysit is struggling. He’s got a lot of stuff going on and he just came out to me and I think he needs someone to talk to so this doesn’t overwhelm him. But his parents can’t know, he doesn’t want them too.”

Coran listened intently, nodding when Lance paused, “How old is he?”

“Seventeen.”

“Then that’s very possible,” Coran went and got together some paperwork, “We don’t have any room here at the moment but if his living situation is still safe and he’s not a harm to himself or others then that’s not an issue. I can connect him to one of our therapists and a social worker. Maybe Shiro if he wants to take the case. Do you have a contact number for him?”

Lance nodded and pulled out the paper Steven had written his number on.

“I’ll contact him tomorrow, see what we can do. Thank you, Lance.”

Lance shook his head, “No, Coran, I didn’t do anything, you’re the one who’s gonna help him.”

“Ridiculous, my boy, you’ve helped someone find the help they need to get through this rough patch. Now, shall we go out there and have some dinner?”

The others had started dishing up already so Lance grabbed the rice and began to do the same.

“How’s your day been Lance?” Allura smiled at him as she ate.

Lance looked at her for a second, his thoughts racing through the day’s events. His day hadn’t been good. Not even in the slightest, “Not bad, I guess.” Don’t talk about the drugs. “Work was busy,” Don’t out Steven, “the Benson kids are having some issues but dancing was wonderful.” Not a lie. Dancing _was_ wonderful. It was the highlight in his otherwise stressful day, “Phillip is doing really well with the corrections I made with the routine.” Lance kept going, explaining the kicks and flips that Phillip had previously been struggling with. And the song, which he adored. It was so vibing and Lance could feel the song in his bones when he danced to it. He talked about how the deadline being so far in the future gave him and Phillip enough time to experiment with the dance. He talked about the moves he was personally working on and the things Phillip made jokes about. “Though, Phillip keeps joking that I’ll hurt myself doing the lift because he’ll drop me but I trust him.” Lance put some of his potato in his mouth.

“Shut up!” Keith yelled and Lance snapped his head towards him. Of course. Here it was. The blow up. “Would you just fucking shut up about fucking dance?!”

Lance stared at him, he was breathing heavy. And he felt something twinge inside him, “Are you fucking insane? I’m just talking!”

Keith stood up from the table violently, knocking his fork to the floor which clattered noisily. The ringing of the metal on the wood rang in his head. Lance noticed Keith wasn’t wearing his gloves and his hands had bandages on them instead. Then Keith had the fucking audacity to mutter a “Whatever,” And turn away.

Lance’s entire body felt like it was ready to tear Keith apart, “No, not whatever!” Lance stood up too as Keith turned back and he heard one of his friends distantly say his name in a warning, “You’re a fucking maniac. You’re always getting upset at me over nothing!”

“Because you’re-“ Keith started.

“I’m what?!” Lance threw his hands in the air, “Because I certainly have done nothing to you.”

“You’ve got to be kidding me.”

“What? What is it, Mullet?!”

“You’re so fucking annoying!”

Lance’s sarcasm from years of fighting with siblings kicked in full scale, “Oh! I’m annoying. Boo hoo. Why don’t you take a look in the mirror?! You have no friends. No life. No happiness. Even your parents fucking left you!” Lance knew he’d crossed a line. He felt it as him and Keith breathed deeply, staring at each other. He saw it in the anger shifting in Keith’s eyes. And then Keith was coming at him. He punched Lance in the cheek and instinctively, Lance elbowed him in the ribs. The others at the table stood up, each yelling different things and a plate fell off, smashing on the floor. They kept fighting, each trying to protect themselves and hurt the other. Lance felt angry. Angrier than he’d felt since high school. But it wasn’t fair, Keith couldn’t just go around being a dick and get away with it. They rolled into the broken glass and Lance felt the shards cut into his arms. Not thinking, he shoved Keith’s face into the ground. Then Hunk was pulling him away from Keith and Shiro pulling Keith away from him. The sound of the glass falling off them both and onto the floor was barely heard over Keith’s yelling. Lance saw blood drip from Keith’s eyebrow and his nose was swelling. Lance watched as Shiro calmed Keith down and then Keith stormed off.

Then there was silence. Everyone avoided looking at him and he felt the guilt of what he’d said fully envelop him. He walked over and snatched up his bag before storming off himself. He told himself his guilt was stupid, it was Keith’s fault too and Lance had been so patient in the past. But that didn’t stop the guilt in the slightest. Lance threw his bag down and put his head in his hands. But everything was overwhelming him. The incident earlier in the day, the girls fighting, then seeing the drugs, Steven coming out and him handling it messily, and Keith. Fucking Keith. Why couldn’t he just let Keith go? The others seemed to be so much less bothered by him. But also, Keith hated Lance and the others didn’t have to deal with him constantly blowing up at him and disagreeing with him.

That was it. Lance got up and began searching for it. He was done, he’d just mark himself somewhere, feel the physical pain that matched his internal one and he’d go to sleep. He opened one of the draws and there it was, the box he kept them in. The razors and pencil sharpeners.

VVV

Once he was sure everyone was asleep, Lance snuck into the bathroom and got out the first aid kit. He cleaned up his arms and the cuts from the glass. There were footsteps and he felt his entire body freeze with fear. Keith pushed open the door, his face wet from what looked like tears. He stopped when he saw Lance and then glanced at his arms. He opened his mouth and then shut it and moved into the room.

Lance didn’t know what to do. He watched as Keith took off his jacket revealing his own mistake. He took a washer and wet it before sitting beside Lance and gently cleaning his. Lance looked at him for a second before continuing to do the same. Keith hit a particularly sore one and hissed through his teeth. Lance looked over at him and felt the urge to help him in any way. Keith stood up to clean his wound by his eye. Lance took out the antiseptic cream but before he applied any he sighed, “Keith, I’m sorry.”

Keith looked at him across the room, “Don’t.”

“No, I shouldn’t have said what I did.”

“Just drop it, Lance.” Keith sat back down and gestured to the cream, “Are you going to use that or shall I?”

Lance squeezed some onto his fingers, and passed the tube to Keith. Keith squeezed some too and began applying them to his arm. Lance did the same, immediately it began stinging and he winced.

“I’m sorry too,” Keith whispered, “I,,, lash out. As a coping thing. According to the psychs anyway.”

Lance looked at him, “I get that. I do too.”

Keith snickered, “Oh yeah? Lance the golden boy, friends with everyone, lashes out to cope?”

“Okay,” Lance smiled, “I more just lash out when I’m overwhelmed.”

“I’m always overwhelmed.”

“That’s a mood,” Lance finished putting the cream on his arms. Keith went to get up to do his eye but Lance stopped him, “Let me.”

He wiped the cream off his fingers on the washer and put on more. He shuffled on his knees so he was closer and carefully applied it to his cut.

Keith’s face was unreadable. He looked slightly uncomfortable and immensely confused.

Lance leaned away and pulled out the bandages, cotton patches, and medical tape, handing them to Keith, “Can I ask you something?”

“Can’t guarantee I’ll answer.” Keith mumbled as he lined up the cotton and began to wrap the bandage.

“Why do you always blow up at _me_?” Lance lined up one on his nondominant arm and began to wrap too, “I used to think you were jealous of me but I don’t entirely believe that anymore.”

Keith tucked in the bandage, stalling, “I,,, don’t really know. Maybe I am jealous that you have a family and friends and that you’re so good with people and I’m just,,, not. Maybe I’m jealous that you can,,, you know,,, _dance_ without your mind screaming at you.” Keith put a small cotton patch above his eye and used the medical tape to keep it in place, “You’re also _really_ annoying.”

Lance laughed and he saw Keith smile a little, “You know you’re annoying too.” He tried to line up and bandage his dominant arm but he was struggling.

Keith watched him, “It’s weird,” He said lightly, “I keep assuming you all have things together better than me. But you’re struggling too, otherwise you wouldn’t need patching up in the darkness.”

Lance nodded, getting increasingly frustrated with his inability to do just that.

“Maybe,” Keith sighed, “Look, just give it here.” He moved closer and perfectly lined up the cotton, carefully bandaging it up.

“Maybe what?”

Keith shook his head, “Just drop it, it was nothing.”

Lance pouted, “Dude, I thought we were bonding.”

Keith finished and got up, “We’ve known each other for years, why would I bond now?” Keith shuffled awkwardly, “But, uh, thanks for the help. And don’t make me help you again.”

“Thank you, Keith.”

Keith left the room without another word and Lance cleaned up everything.


End file.
